self portrait 12.3.06

I cant believe its december already... I feel like I havent had the privledge of a real season change therefore I am stuck thinking its july, still wearing flip flops... everyone here wears flip flops no matter what. I swear it could be storming out, hell even snowing( though not likely.), and the population of southern california would not know what to do so they would just continue wearing their rainbow sandals and shorts... its a sight. Anywho, we finally have some brisk weather!! I am cold in a good way. Peter and I walked to the grocery and to the mall earlier... the mall was of course playing x-mas carols and swarmed with overly agressive shoppers, people wearing entirely too much floral purfume and loads of children...on our walk back from the mall i realized that maybe this was as much as a season change as i was going to see until i head back up north for the actual holiday...and i was okay with it, i enjoyed it, its brisk, i can wear a sweatshirt. :) I realized today that i havent really "unpacked" from my trip that i recently took up north... yeah, and it must just be laziness. Ive been back for a week. I havent worn make-up for a week because its still packed... i am just noticing this now. some make-up artist-eh? haha.
random tid bit... but on the corner of our cross street there are two competing x-mas tree lots side by side...selling hideous trees covered in pink and blue and yellow flocking and such... they were originally dueling pumpkin patches... oh, the competition.
time for bed---finally. nite nite.

Uploaded by soartsyithurts on 4 Dec '06, 1.51am PST.

I am stuck. I am in limbo and I dont know how to get out of it. When I try to think of solutions to "fix" my problems sometimes it all just seems to big, too daunting. I feel like i "should" be so many things. "should" have done so many things....but for what? I feel like i am hiding out sometimes--afraid to begin or to end my endevours with full and utter commitment. I am the thing that is getting in my own way. A voice telling me all the negatives about me, untruths, insecurities...things i would never even dream of saying to others. Why is it that we tend to be so harsh on ourselves? I can be so mean to me. It wont shut up either--its a constant nagging.
I hate when you go to tell someone that you have been feeling "blue" or that you are having some trouble figuring out what to do with your life and their response goes something like this... either "dont be sad" or "dont worry, it will get better." oy vey. okay, dont be sad...those words...if you have ever been depressed you totally know what i am talking about. It isnt something you can just snap out of. Its not like you want someone to fix your problems for you, or even FEEL what you are feeling...i think what i seek is empathy--the kind of empathy that i give out to others. I find myself pretending to be fine, or bottling things up at times because others cant handle when i have so much as a "bad day"-- i have to be the tough one. So, if you are the one who is always catching the crumbling pieces, who is going to catch you when you crumble? I dont really want to find out. I am not to the point of crumble..but there are those moments when you just want to scream--yell out "I AM SAD, AND THAT IS OKAY!! FUCK." I hate that people automatically associate sadness with depression and it seems like i am not allowed to have just a normal run of the mill bad day...i mean, shit happens-right?
Sometimes i wonder why i have to have such an artistic spirit...why i cant just be happy in an office. why do i not get off on equations and number crunching... i could just be an investment banker, problem solved. yeah, but that would be sheer hell for me. i feel a little jeleous of the people that seem to have it all figured out..if that anyone ever really even does "figure it out" completely. maybe everyone is a little lost. I thought I had it all figured out for so long...not like how life worked or anything, but i thought i had a plan and goals, a career ambition...very specific. I was going to be an actress. I said this since i was in third grade. I am going to be an actress. I feel like it became something i just kind of said after a while---i never thought of the road to get there, the journey...i just had a picture show image in my head of what it would be like to be on broadway, or in a film. Times change, things change, I changed. I still love acting, but i dunno...something in me just kind of shut off at one point and said maybe that isnt the only thing i want to do with my life....so then came OPTIONS. I have options, which seems to be a good thing, but really its kind of scary. My whole life i was good at something; acting. Now i feel like i am mediocre at a bunch of differnt things and that i have to pick a skill soon and really just become a master at it-- i feel a running clock, even though i am only 21.
I think its hard to allow yourself to change when you have had a dream for so long. It is like a loss of identity in some ways. Maybe a part of me needs to mourn the loss of a certian dream (metaphorically...dont worry.) and then celebrate the possibilities for the pluthura of dreams i have brewing inside of me NOW. Its hard to let go of something you thought you really knew...and furthermore something that others identified me by aswell. I am so many things, but if you dont spend every day with me you couldnt know the evolution of who i am becoming (ie my family who lives all over the place) I guess i will just figure it out on my own time. i have to be patient with myself. easier said than done. way easier said than done.

mood: pensive music: Girl Put Your Record On...

I forgive you.
You dont need that, but I do.
Your offenses would keep coming regaurdless of my forgiveness.
To hold on would be binding--and to be bound to you would be suffocation.
You never knew me. Not really.
Lies are only signs that something isnt right with you and your spirit...I wont be tied to thinking that they were wrapped up like a gift just for me....special and new.
Its a game you play with your self because I will not continue.
Ive been weak. Ive been angry.
Ive let my core shake with disapointment and all of the "whys" and self loathing reasons that you could be so inconsiderate of something you claim to be so precious...
But that just let you in more...
deeper into the parts of me that effect the path of what is ahead
the new journey
the new relationships
forged with the only trust and love I know how to give..
I didnt learn that from you
And I refuse to be held back by someone who has blatant disreguard for my well being...
To be free of you, is to be at peace with you.
So with this, i let it go..and try to release all the unconcious regret or sadness connected with the past.
Set the baggage down and run free.
Open and Honest.
Unshaken.
I forgive you.
I forgive me.

There isnt much that I miss about being in Novato right now. Honestly, I was really ready to leave. I was there for 17 days!! watching my brother, playing nurse to grandma and such...
however, i did babysit this chihuahua.. and i love her. She totally won my heart. She got so attached to me, and I cried when i had to say goodbye to her. :(
(note: i dont even really like chihuahuas that much! sheesh!)
My dad called me the next day and informed me that the dog has gone a little crazy without me there...
she was looking for me all night---barking---sitting in the door way of my room and freaking out. finally my brother had to sleep in my bedroom to make her calm down. Poor Lady.

I need my own puppy.

On another note...since I returned my cat looks like she is a monster beast weighing in at 500 tons. seriously, shes huge. and heavy. I guess the neighbors were feeding here an entire can of wet food a day....we usually give her a tablespoon. haha. so, i think she packed on a few. ;)

I had a really rough night last night. I blame some of it on PMS, sure...but its amazing how one small thing can triger an emotional responce in one's self and just let the flood gates open. For me it was making some ridiculous decision about dinner...yeah, i know...wow. So, I ended up falling asleep on the couch before I could post these portraits I had taken earlier in the day...anyway...

I am in a really strange part of life---Growing up never came with instructions. Everything is in a state of limbo and is just kind of hanging there for me to do with it as I choose. I have all sorts of crazy ideas of what I would love to do...and yes, I know all of the advice I would give everyone else in this sort of situtuation or who was feeling down...its just this irrational ticking clock telling me that I am waisting my time---that i need to be better.

I have a distorted view of myself. 365 days is definately making me see all of that...I have always done self portraits, but more when I wanted to...not when i felt like I had to. When I do one every day, some days you just feel kind of raw and like you would rather not start clicking away---but ya just kind of push through, do it anyway, and pull out a little piece of truth. I dont know if this helps with the distortion...but atleast you can awknoledge it.